You Matter, Sweet One

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Where are you RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE?

Mentally, physically, emotionally?

The holidays can be so much – for everyone. 

December 14 is the anniversary of me taking my Mom to the oncologist and getting the final prognosis.

December 16 is my Dad’s birthday.

This is the third year I have spent Christmas in Europe – and while yes, this is my home now, and I love it here, it means I am thousands, not hundreds, of miles away from all my family of origin and my son. 

I tell you this just to say- I know that sometimes life seems really hard, especially during the holidays. You give so much to so many people. Sometimes it feels like no one notices. Sometimes it may feel like it wouldn’t matter at all if you just disappeared. 

But it does matter. YOU MATTER. You are the only one like you on the planet. You have things to offer that no one else can. If you don’t do it, it just won’t get done.

I don’t say this to add more pressure to your already pressure filled life. I say this to tell you one simple thing-

You are loved more than you know and your absence would have a greater impact than you can imagine. Don’t ever doubt the work you do – whether that is running a company, teaching children, healing the sick, or making lunches for your kids. You matter. Your imprint on this world matters.

Don’t give up. 

And don’t give in to the voices that like to tell you that you are insignificant or ordinary or not special. They are lying. You are anything but ordinary.

So, since this email may be the last one from me you see before the end of the year, hear this.

I see you. I hear your frustration and pain and doubt.

Hang in there. Help is coming. You are not alone.

Join our FB group UNdone. (And the end of the year challenge to bring in 2019 with clarity and confidence – that works). Go to my website for new freebies. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

If you want more help, schedule a complimentary call. We can talk about one on one coaching, or the digital DIY product I have coming out in 2019. 

You are loved more than you know – don’t lose sight of that in the midst of holiday crazy- just be YOU.  

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Still for you – Rewrite your life’s story, here’s how to start.

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Sitting at my desk, I looked up and caught the most beautiful dark haired little girl moving slowly down the sidewalk, lost in her own thoughts. She wore a white crinoline dress that swayed like a bell each time her tiny feet took a step. And then she stopped, dropped her mother’s hand and stood right in front of the open church doors, mesmerized by something. It was a profound moment. In less than five seconds I saw the entire Disney story, a tiny, five-year old looking like a bride 20 years too early.

It made me wonder. How the heck do we get from that place of utter confidence that our lives, our marriages will be the ones that go on “happily ever after” – to – “I can’t live this way anymore”?

Raised on Cinderella? - lost in Cinderella’s story? Your story is so much more exciting. And d*%#, someone stole your glass slipper? Am I right?

Here’s a fun way to see how much of C’s story you want to keep and how much you might want to feed to the fire breathing dragon (not pointing any fingers, he/it can be anyone you imagine – smile)

Here’s how:

  1. Take out a sheet of paper. Yep, this is all old school, like the fairy tales, right?  Now write down what you believe your life story to be in the next 15 minutes. Whatever it is, however you see yourself, your world, write it down.
    You can set a timer for 15 minutes. If that is too long, do 10. Write non-stop till the timer goes off, and then stop, right where you are.

  2. Go through and circle every sentence, word or phrase that is anything less than a stellar review of your fabulousness. Put a big, capital ‘T’ at the top of a page.

  3. The ‘T’ stands for thoughts. You have just written down how you see yourself and pulled out every negative thing you tell yourself about you, every single day, probably dozens of times, if not more.
    Look at the thoughts you circled. And then make a list of how those thoughts in your own hand make you feel.
    Put a big capital ‘F’ next to it for feelings.

  4. Now, set a timer again for 15 minutes and this time (yep, that pen and paper thing again) spend 15 minutes describing your ideal life – don’t hold back, let it all out. When the timer goes off – stop. Now go back and circle the positive things in your story.
    How do they make you feel?

Here’s a little secret:

Our brain does not know the difference whether we tell it the truth or a fantasy. Now, don’t get me wrong, it has to believe the fantasy. And that is our problem.

Because we believe the bad things, but not the good things.

We hold on to the mistakes, missteps, regrets, blame, anger, etc.

But we let go of the dreams, the hopes, the joys and the possibilities.

Both stories are true. If you wrote a story about you and your ideal life/day it is because somewhere deep inside this is the longing of your heart. It most likely means that you have the skills, talents and ability to make it real. It is just a matter of practicing those thoughts that bring up good feelings for us, often enough (perhaps in a ladder step sort of way through a process we call neutralizing thoughts – more on that another time) until they are as believable for you as the current life you wrote down.

Read back over your stories.

Which one do you want most to hold onto?

PS. If you are ready to let go of that painful story and write a new fairytale, let’s talk!

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I’ve Been Wondering What to Say

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We all want to feel loved and accepted just for being us. So today and the rest of this week it is all about YOU. I am sitting here, honestly, having a glass of wine with bread and cheese – it’s 3:00 lunch. I live in France. All seems well.

Except for one tiny thing -I am wondering what I could share with you that would really help you believe life can be beautiful and joyful. Some little tidbit of information that might push back the prevailing hurricanes in your life, maybe make your day just a little bit brighter.

What do you need, I ask myself? I think back to that place years past, when I was dancing like Pinocchio on strings – trying anything and everything, fearful of making a mistake, but so tired, physically, mentally and emotionally. What would most light your heart?

To know that you are stronger than you think you are (because you are an amazing testimony to the strength of the human spirit).

To know that you are unique gift, a marvel, a wonder of nature. During the gestation period of your creation literally everything had to happen a very certain way at a very specific moment. Just being born makes you a miracle. But you have grown so much more miraculous since then.

If we were to talk, I know I would find at least three, (much more I am sure of but at least three) things about you that are extraordinary.  Your generosity, creativity, tenacity, brilliance, courage.

Would that give you enough “oomph” to make it through the day?

For you to see you and learn to really, really love that person. Forgive that woman in the mirror, believe in her. Arm her with whatever she needs to live a life you love.

Coaching women through a difficult marriage, or difficult place in their marriage, or just the difficulties of life, is not just what I do every day.

If I can say or do anything that helps you know you are not alone, or helps you take the next step, or allows you to feel truly loved, or keeps you from trading one pain for another – in other words – that will let you see the amazing woman you are right now – I am here to do it.

So, tell me what you most need right now.

Until then,

Bisous!

PS – if writing is not your thing, book a complimentary call here. You can tell me face to face, via Zoom.



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Everyone Wins When You Are Happy

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It is already December 10th as I write this to you. The last of 2018 is rolling along. I get this crazy nostalgic, panicky feeling around this time every year.

It is a strange combination of joy at the season, the lights, the bustle, and the question –who have I forgotten to buy a gift for? And the darker one - did I live this year in the best possible way?

Not to be a Debbie Downer right before St. Nick hits the chimney, but this is what prompts that last question -

In December 2008 I was with my mom after her third, and terminal, cancer diagnosis. My sisters were there and we were, according to my mom’s instructions – which by the way NO ONE disobeyed –having a “cry fest” so, as she put it, “we could get it all out and done with”. Like that was going to happen. It didn’t help that Christmas was my mother’s favorite time of year.

One year later I was decorating an empty house, alone. My only son was in college and my now ex-husband had just moved out. Did I mention it was a big ass house? Oh well, I went all teal, lime green and silver that year and got to buy lots of new decorations!

My answer to life then was, can you guess? JUST–KEEP–MOVING and everything will be ok. The unspoken goal was to stay too busy to notice the emptiness, the sadness, the loss. Because I knew (or rather, feared) that if I ever slowed down long enough to feel what was there – I would never get out of bed again.

So, during the night I woke up almost hourly, my mind racing with anxiety about what I needed to do next to avoid the thoughts that I had failed at my life.

Fortunately, luckily, blessedly, universally guided, inspired by God, synchronistically driven - any and all those wonderful things – whatever you choose to call them, I found a way to not only live, but really live.

I can tell you now with complete transparency, that if I had known then what the next few years would bring, I might seriously have gone back to bed! LOL.

BUT, I can also tell you, being on the other side now –I am so grateful I didn’t.

I worked my you know what off, reading, researching,(SEARCHING IN GENERAL). Adding to the 20 + years I had already racked up trying to save my marriage.

And then I discovered 3 simple secrets:

  1. Find your passion

  2. Understand you can’t change the world or anyone in it, except you

  3. Let go of the past (including that sense of failure or deep desire to blame) in favor of a future.

I share these three things with gusto – ALL THE TIME.

Why? Because I went through the “Top 10 most stressful things that can happen to you in your lifetime”, list in about a 3-year period

AND I survived. I now am blissfully married, living my dream in an amazing house an hour outside Paris. Don’t think you can do it? Try this simple exercise below.

Food for Thought Timeline:

Draw a horizontal line on a piece of paper and put 0 on the left and 100 on the right. They stand for years. (imagining that with today’s science you could easily live to 100) Now, plug your age on the line, how many years are left?

I am betting you have SO MUCH LIFE AHEAD, and so much to do with it.

To steal from Karen Lamb – “A year from now, you will wish you had started today.”

PS – So, if you want to start today, here’s a link for a complimentary call. Happy dance all around! (Oh yeah, and don’t forget Aunt Dorothy’s gift.)

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3 Steps to Change That Really Work

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Step #3 to writing your own Fairytale:

Decide which wolf to feed.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “There is a fight going on inside of me,” he says to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, regret, sorrow, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, envy, false pride and ego. The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, serenity, generosity, benevolence, truth and faith. This same fight is going inside of you and inside of everyone.”

The grandson thought for a minute and then asked, “Which one will win?”

The grandfather simply said, “The one you feed.”

When we allow our fears to control us, we are not feeding the good wolf. Notice how each characteristic of the “evil” wolf is a direct result of fear.

Fear we won’t get what we want creates anger, resentment, self-pity, envy, inferiority, false pride and ego.

Fear of being abandoned creates resentment, envy, sorrow, and often guilt over the things we do to compensate.

Fear of being judged creates false pride (or inferiority), envy, lies, resentment and ego.

Fear of making a mistake – regret for the things we don’t do, resentment, self-pity for not doing it, inferiority for being afraid to do it.

Allowing our fears to stop us, to keep us trapped in the past, paralyzed, confused, angry, hopeless only feeds the wolf we don’t want.

Showing up for your life is a battle. Fear will show up too. Every time we take a new step, have a new idea, dream a new dream. It is just our brain trying to keep us safe. But we aren’t safe, lovely one, if we are dying inside.

I won’t go into the countless statistics that link our emotional state to actual physical disease. The word itself has been broken down as dis “ease”. Dis ease with our lives, our marriages, how we have let ourselves go out of hopelessness, or overspent, or anything else we do to bury the feelings that fear brings up for us. But there is hope.

Know this, lovely, your feelings are created by your thoughts. And you can learn how to take control of your thoughts. And if you can absorb what science teaches us that feelings come in waves of 90 seconds, I promise you can learn to ride that wave. And it will free you from the fear of falling in the deep and never coming out.

That is how you feed the good wolf. Examine your thoughts, allow your feelings. Decide how you want to feel and create the thoughts that support those feelings. I realize it may sound too simple to be true, or too hard to imagine doing. But it is true– and you dear one, are more than capable, braver than you feel and stronger than you know. You can do it too.

So, there you have the 3 simple, but magical steps, to writing your own fairytale.

1. Find what lights you up.

2. Let go of the past in favor of A future

3. Feed the good wolf (thoughts)
I am here if you want to know more. Let’s chat about Your one wild and precious yet to written fairytale life!

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