When I was 45 years old I was married to a man I loved deeply, and he loved me. You may notice however that there was no “happily” in that sentence. The feelings we both had of not “feeling” loved kept us at odds, arguing or avoiding each other. Which tends to keep the “happily” out of a marriage.
Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t wall to wall misery, which just made it worse.
I actually believed at the time that if I could just hang in there until I was 65, we would be somewhere on a porch holding hands and laughing about the past (our current present).
Nothing like wishing 20 years of your life away, right, something a little off about that line of thinking. But, it was in keeping with all the other thoughts I had about him, our marriage, my expectations.
It was also what made me believe there was no other solution than divorce. I had been the counselor route (8 to be exact, over a five-year period). The self-help books piled up all over the house. I wrote him an encyclopedia’s worth of letters. I talked to friends. I learned yoga and became an instructor, meditation, prayer. I painted and even went back to college to get a second degree in art.
He traveled more, putting solitude and distance between us thinking that when he returned home I would be “over it”, whatever the hell “it” was at the moment.
Everything became about our marriage until it was choking both of us.
So, I divorced him.
Problem solved, right?
Uh, that would be a not so much.
If your marriage feels like a nightmare in real time, I have some rather unorthodox tools that might help you see your way a little more clearly.
This is not to say divorce isn’t the answer; nor is it to say it is. This is just a system to support you in whatever decision you make. It is not about him, or the marriage, or the kids, or the job. It is for and about you.
If you would like to know more, join my email list for weekly tips and group support → https://www.kimberlybenjamincoaching.com/subscribe-undone.
And, if you would like, email me for a free recorded support message for those late nights when you absolutely can’t call anyone, stop crying, or want to break all your dishes. (Psst – cause I’ve been there). You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just send me an email and in the subject line put “hug”. Tell me a bit about yourself, (ONLY -if you want to. It isn’t necessary and is completely confidential. I hail from a family of attorneys. You will never appear in a blog post. I promise.) I will get it recorded and back to you as quickly as possible as an attachment, via email.